Sorting things out

The religious rules that spring up around only eating when you are hungry and stopping when full are manmade religious rules that have to do with helping people lose weight; they do not prove one’s love for God. He certainly does not require them in the Scriptures.
— Adam Brooks, “The “Great” Commission of Gwen Shamblin and Remnant Fellowship”

I think this is one of the more freeing things I have read in a long time.

May Day Challenge

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How much weight I want to lose: 65 in total. I don’t have a set goal for the timeframe of this contest. I will lose what God allows me to lose.

My weight history: Yo-yo my whole life. Fen Phen’ed my way down to 135 for my wedding. Up to 210 in 1998. Weigh Down’ed my way down to the 160s in ’99. Back to the 190s after that. Managed to lose weight through a pregnancy in 2005 (thanks to Gestational Diabetes), but proceeded to put on MORE weight AFTER the pregnancy.

My diet: Basic hunger/fullness based on Thin Within. I am part of a couple of Yahoo online groups, and participate in a weekly chat to discuss life the TW way.

Weaknesses? Eating. I use it to get through difficult times. Unfortunately, in my world difficult includes boredom and procrastination. But I will keep going. Perseverance is a gift, and I’m gonna use it!

ETA: My beginning weight: 195.

Oh, I DOVE in this time!

I need to write, just so I’m not running away. Had a friend ask me about Weigh Down. Funny how I can be tempted to return there solely because I had success there.

I need to remember it was my reconnection with God that made the change in my life, not Gwen.

I’m feeling weak and useless today. But I need to remember that the dark times are actually when God’s closest and I need to stop trying to go deeper and hide.

The light will come again.

I surrender. But this time, to God’s hand, not to the temptation.

Head First Back Into the Pit

Well, here I sit, head to toe in pit mud. I am at a loss for words. I have spent the evening going from place to place in the blogosphere. Got caught up on my blog reading. Got caught up on my MOG forum stuff. Updated my 2007 Book List. Even wrote a lame book review on GOOTP.

And now. Nothing. I was once prompted by a blog-friend to just sit down and write. Doesn’t matter if you have the words at first. Pray, ask for words, then write.

I have been avoiding God today. Yesterday too. I’ve been willing to talk to Him for the sake of others. And for the sake of the struggles going on in the blogosphere. But when it comes to the food. I’ve given up. Stopped investing. Stopped stopping myself from eating. I go to the kitchen whenever I feel bad. I am avoiding the TLT study because I know that the next one is about exercise. Besides, I’m already at like day 32 or something and I’ve not lost a thing. By this point in my WDW world I’d lost like 10 pounds! And it just flew off!

How can I recreate that level of success?

Do I want to? Is that what I’m really after? My mom said something to me a day or two ago and it’s been floating around in the back of my mind. She urged me to stop stressing so much about my weight and worry more about my health. At first I didn’t see much of a difference. My weight is such a huge component of (or detriment to) my health that it’s hard for me to see anything else to focus on. But there’s that “E” thing. Exercise. My heart health. I’ve got diabetes in my family as well as heart trouble. I need to get it into my head if I’m not proactive. I could die of a heart attack. And pretty young too! My mom has already had two heart attacks. My grandma (mom’s mom) had a triple (quadruple?) bypass. My grandfather also had a few heart attacks before he died.

I go this weekend for a complete physical. My first since my six-week post-partum checkup after having J5. It scares me. So many things to discuss. I had a bunch of blood tests done over a month ago and the results have just been sitting there. (Had to reschedule for a time when J4 would be home to take care of J5).

I absolutely KNOW that something needs to change. I don’t want to do it chemically if I don’t have to.

Is this a spiritual battle? Is my journey one that God can/must be intimately a part of? Or is this just old-fashioned self discipline needed? Why do I have such a thick skull about this? It’s not new. It’s not rocket science.

God, help me. Please.

Who is my judge?

This morning I got up, as I always do, and weighed. My weight is the same as yesterday.

I should be celebrating, but it has cast a shadow over my morning. I am well aware of general body fluctuations that will affect the scale. I’ve been monitoring my weight for enough years, that a little jump up doesn’t bother me. But the trend that I have been having is not experiencing a little plateau. The plateau I am on has lasted for YEARS.

When I was participating in the Weigh Down Workshop and I was actively losing weight, I stopped doing my daily weighing and weighed weekly. The idea was to stop letting the scale be my judge and let my obedience guide me instead.

Then I read Body Clutter by Marla Cilley and she advocates daily weighing.

I LIKE the daily weighing for one very completely geeky reason. I like to chart my weight. It has nothing to do with my weight. I am overjoyed by the statistical nature of the data. And if what I am tracking is my weight, and it is having a downward trend, then I have all the more reason to celebrate!

When I was in Weigh Down, I lost weight. Fast. I was excited. I was rejuvenated. I was thrilled with my success. I am jealous for those times. I am discouraged. I want out of this pit. I want this visible demonstration of my sin off my body.

Calm before the storm

Sometimes I can just sense it coming. I get little whispers that tell me that I am being complacent. That I’m starting to slip.

I have recently decided that I would try a different eating plan that goes with the online Bible study (The Lord’s Table) that I am doing. You see, they offer two different eating plans. One is a routine of types of eating (normal day, 1/2 portion day, liquids only day, fasting day) and the other is about only eating when your stomach growls.

I have clung to the “stomach growling” version of the eating plan because it had worked for me in the past when I was participating in the Weigh Down Workshop (prior to all the craziness…but that’s another story…). Plus, I seriously did NOT want to think about fasting. It would put me into a panic.

But this week I changed my mind. I realized that I was not truly committing myself to the method of eating that I had chosen and was living that insanity of expecting change without actually taking any steps of action.

So, long story short, I fasted on Tuesday. It was a wonderful and difficult day. It felt like God and I had a secret. I was determined not to let anyone know what I was doing (mostly because that’s a directive in scripture) so I spend the day doing a whole lot of praying. It’s amazing how much mental energy you have when you don’t let yourself eat habitually!

So, today was back to “normal”. It was almost a let-down. But now I have this strange feeling that I am opening myself up to wonderful things — increased interaction with God – but I am also afraid that I am opening myself up to additional struggles and temptations.

Tonight over on The Laundry Alternative, I read this post, where Elisa prompted me to think about my “theme verse”.

And this is what I have chosen:

O [my] God, won’t you stop them? [I am] powerless against this mighty army that is about to attack [me]. [I] do not know what to do, but [I am] looking to you for help. 2 Chronicles 20:12

You see, I want to be the one to do it. I want to have the control. I want to be the one who wins. I want to be competent and useful and in charge. But I’m not God. And until I truly get that, and look to Him for help, I’m not going to be able to see that I truly am powerless against not only my own flesh, but “against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places” (Ephesians 6:12).

Father, my eyes are on You. Forgive me for trying to take power that is not mine. Keep me humble. Keep me serving. Fill my heart with love for not only my loved ones but also for the unlovable. Forgive my presumption to plan my life out with the idea that I am in control. Show me the value and blessings that each and every day bring. Help me not to lose sight of individual moments. Thank you, from the very bottom of my heart, for keeping after me, for pursing me, for not letting this lost sheep be astray for too long. Amen