- 427. Good friends to remind me to be thankful – especially of them!
- 428. The loss of a pound!
- 429. Another day of TLT completed
- 430. The best 15 years of my life!
(Ok, so I’m a day late, but I’m going to pretend I got this post in on time.)
I am happy at (0/0)! (And technically, since I’m really writing this on Wednesday, the 18th, I’m down another pound.) Woo hoo!!
This past week was a frustrating one, as my weight climbed up three, but came back down, so I’m feeling good even though the net change is 0.
I started a new Bible Study on eating God’s way (The Lord’s Table) – and I attribute my 3 lb loss to God and God alone!! I have faith and hope that this new direction my body is taking will continue as I “put all my eggs in HIS basket”.
After reading a thread on MOG, I decided to start the Lord’s Table study again. For those of you who may not know, it’s a free study you can do online. It’s similar in style to Thin Within, but it does not focus much on eating habits or “practical tips” for weight loss. It is a Bible study and deals almost solely with the spiritual aspects of disordered/unhealthy eating.
When you sign up, you are assigned a mentor, and you complete the studies online. When you have finished, you are sent an email copy of your answers. It’s a pretty nice setup. I’d be delighted for any of you to join me!
Well, here I sit, head to toe in pit mud. I am at a loss for words. I have spent the evening going from place to place in the blogosphere. Got caught up on my blog reading. Got caught up on my MOG forum stuff. Updated my 2007 Book List. Even wrote a lame book review on GOOTP.
And now. Nothing. I was once prompted by a blog-friend to just sit down and write. Doesn’t matter if you have the words at first. Pray, ask for words, then write.
I have been avoiding God today. Yesterday too. I’ve been willing to talk to Him for the sake of others. And for the sake of the struggles going on in the blogosphere. But when it comes to the food. I’ve given up. Stopped investing. Stopped stopping myself from eating. I go to the kitchen whenever I feel bad. I am avoiding the TLT study because I know that the next one is about exercise. Besides, I’m already at like day 32 or something and I’ve not lost a thing. By this point in my WDW world I’d lost like 10 pounds! And it just flew off!
How can I recreate that level of success?
Do I want to? Is that what I’m really after? My mom said something to me a day or two ago and it’s been floating around in the back of my mind. She urged me to stop stressing so much about my weight and worry more about my health. At first I didn’t see much of a difference. My weight is such a huge component of (or detriment to) my health that it’s hard for me to see anything else to focus on. But there’s that “E” thing. Exercise. My heart health. I’ve got diabetes in my family as well as heart trouble. I need to get it into my head if I’m not proactive. I could die of a heart attack. And pretty young too! My mom has already had two heart attacks. My grandma (mom’s mom) had a triple (quadruple?) bypass. My grandfather also had a few heart attacks before he died.
I go this weekend for a complete physical. My first since my six-week post-partum checkup after having J5. It scares me. So many things to discuss. I had a bunch of blood tests done over a month ago and the results have just been sitting there. (Had to reschedule for a time when J4 would be home to take care of J5).
I absolutely KNOW that something needs to change. I don’t want to do it chemically if I don’t have to.
Is this a spiritual battle? Is my journey one that God can/must be intimately a part of? Or is this just old-fashioned self discipline needed? Why do I have such a thick skull about this? It’s not new. It’s not rocket science.
God, help me. Please.
Have you never heard or understood? Don’t you know that the Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth? He never grows faint or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding. He gives power to those who are tired and worn out; he offers strength to the weak. Even youths will become exhausted, and young men will give up. But those who wait on the Lord will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. (Isaiah 40:28-31)
God gave me this verse this morning.
Then I got it again in my TLT study.
That always stuns me when I realize it. Not coincidence.
So…will I get the point? THAT is the question.
Sometimes I can just sense it coming. I get little whispers that tell me that I am being complacent. That I’m starting to slip.
I have recently decided that I would try a different eating plan that goes with the online Bible study (The Lord’s Table) that I am doing. You see, they offer two different eating plans. One is a routine of types of eating (normal day, 1/2 portion day, liquids only day, fasting day) and the other is about only eating when your stomach growls.
I have clung to the “stomach growling” version of the eating plan because it had worked for me in the past when I was participating in the Weigh Down Workshop (prior to all the craziness…but that’s another story…). Plus, I seriously did NOT want to think about fasting. It would put me into a panic.
But this week I changed my mind. I realized that I was not truly committing myself to the method of eating that I had chosen and was living that insanity of expecting change without actually taking any steps of action.
So, long story short, I fasted on Tuesday. It was a wonderful and difficult day. It felt like God and I had a secret. I was determined not to let anyone know what I was doing (mostly because that’s a directive in scripture) so I spend the day doing a whole lot of praying. It’s amazing how much mental energy you have when you don’t let yourself eat habitually!
So, today was back to “normal”. It was almost a let-down. But now I have this strange feeling that I am opening myself up to wonderful things — increased interaction with God – but I am also afraid that I am opening myself up to additional struggles and temptations.
And this is what I have chosen:
O [my] God, won’t you stop them? [I am] powerless against this mighty army that is about to attack [me]. [I] do not know what to do, but [I am] looking to you for help. 2 Chronicles 20:12
You see, I want to be the one to do it. I want to have the control. I want to be the one who wins. I want to be competent and useful and in charge. But I’m not God. And until I truly get that, and look to Him for help, I’m not going to be able to see that I truly am powerless against not only my own flesh, but “against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places” (Ephesians 6:12).
Father, my eyes are on You. Forgive me for trying to take power that is not mine. Keep me humble. Keep me serving. Fill my heart with love for not only my loved ones but also for the unlovable. Forgive my presumption to plan my life out with the idea that I am in control. Show me the value and blessings that each and every day bring. Help me not to lose sight of individual moments. Thank you, from the very bottom of my heart, for keeping after me, for pursing me, for not letting this lost sheep be astray for too long. Amen
“If the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed!” (John 8:36)
This is the verse that came to mind this morning as I prayed in bed for God’s strength to get out of bed. It’s the only thing that gave me hope.
“Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and He saved them from their distress. He brought them out of darkness and the deepest gloom and broke away their chains. Let them give thanks to the Lord for His unfailing love and His wonderful deeds for men, vs. 16–for He breaks down the gates of bronze and cuts through bars of iron” (Psalm 107:13-16)
From my TLT study this morning. Praise God. He knew exactly what I needed to hear. I was so afraid my rebellion would make me unsavable:
Salvation is for those who have rebelled, those who have gone against the teaching of God’s Word, those who have been in prison to sin.
That’s me! Salvation is for me.
Ok, how do you recover from complete and willful sin? That was my day and now I am sitting here not sure what to do. I am so frustrated with myself. I don’t know how many more times I can do this before my heart just crusts over and I’m stuck in my sin.
I ate the way I wanted to today, not the way God wants me to. I had a few moments where I was aware of my choice in front of me. And to quote the knight guarding the grail…I “chose poorly…”
I have still read my Bible in the morning, but that’s all. I haven’t done my TLT study in several days. My weight was going down, so I got proud and busy. This morning it was all the way back up.
I took J5 to Sabbath School yesterday. It was a nice time. I think I’ll go back again next week. It was hard though. I got there at 9:30 AM. They start with songs up in the sanctuary, then break into classes after that. There was a woman playing the guitar and a man leading the songs. There were about 15 people there. It was so pitiful. I sang my heart out. Ended up getting the attention of one woman. She said something in my direction about a “future song leader”. That scared me. Made me feel like the church is struggling.
I was only there for Sabbath School, so I have no idea how the minister is, nor how actual church attendance is. There were about 6 other children J5’s age in Cradle Roll. It was nice because they sang some of the old songs I remember. It was good for J5 to be around other children and be in a class setting.
I just don’t know.
And now that I’ve gone and ONCE AGAIN chosen food over God…I don’t even feel like I can ask Him for help. Why do I, time after time, fail God?
The TLT study for today was on brokenness. That’s a really good word to describe how I’ve been feeling as of late. Crushed, demolished, obliterated.
But I think there are two ways this can go. God allows us to be broken, in order that he can soften and plant and grow us. I have the option to run away and lick my wounds, or I can cooperate in this process.
It’s so tempting to once again try to rely on my own strength, to bolster my courage and try to drum up the strength on my own. But that would be insane. I think I need to be quiet for a time. God yanked my rug and I’ve landed firmly on my backside. Before I go running off again in my own direction, I feel the need to stay a while and just check out my surroundings.
I know I have SO much to learn. I am astounded by my lack of wisdom in the area of eating and self-control. My lack of obedience.
I was flipping around in my Bible this morning, looking for some comfort, but all I was finding was direction on how to live a Christ-filled life. It was all exhausting to me, seeing all the outpouring of myself for others that is requested/required.
I couldn’t find anything that was of comfort to me. Anything that would tell me that I’m going to be ok. That I am going to be taken care of.
Then it occurred to me – I need to obey. All of the benefits that are promised are tied directly to obedience. THAT is the path to joy, and comfort and fulfillment. Why is that so hard for me to get my head around? Self-control. It’s a gift. It’s obedience. Time for me to get on with it!!
Just finished my TLT study for Day 11. It was about repentance. I think it’s finally sinking in just how much a sin overeating is. Whenever I am tempted to eat in response to an emotional craving, it is irresponsible and, yes, sinful, of me to use food to stifle what my soul is screaming about.
That’s what it is when I crave dessert or hot cocoa or munchies. It’s my soul begging for satisfaction. And only God knows for sure what I need, so to Him I will go. He will guide me to whatever it is that will REALLY take care of that craving.
That craving is my soul needing a God-fill. Only he can fill it in a way that will satisfy. It is lunacy (and now I am understanding – idolatry) for me to go to food to take care of that cry – that need.
Father, thank you SO much for the clarity of the lesson this morning. And for the kindness shown me by my mentor in the study. You know how much I have been craving spiritual interaction. This is an answer to prayer. Please fill my soul with your joy today, so I don’t seek satisfaction anywhere else.