Engagement and Accountability

No, I’m not talking about the marital kind of engagement. I’m talking about the mental kind. One of the things I know about myself is that when I am facing stress, especially common stress, and it builds up to the point where I am about to be squished, I disengage. I detach. I hate extreme emotions. They scare me. Funny, even “hate” seems like an extreme emotion, but that’s how I feel about having intense feelings.

I would rather eat until I am numb than feel something that disturbs me. I am afraid I will take action on the feelings. Feelings aren’t real. Emotions are just a disturbance. They happen outside of my happy little world of control. I feel ashamed when I lose control of my emotions and take actions based on them rather than on logic or plan.

So, I do everything in my power to disengage from my feelings. If I can somehow disable them, then I can’t be controlled by them, right?

Funny, I didn’t start out here trying to talk about emotional engagement, but I guess it’s all related. When I am in a funk, and don’t know what to do, I disengage from interaction with any groups that are related to weight loss. I am involved in a couple of Thin Within online groups. I have a few friends who are very involved and give me a lot of encouragement. But when I’m “failing”, when I am not doing what I “should”, I disengage. Which starts the downward spiral into deeper depression.

I’m blogging about this today in response to a friend who has the courage today to blog her “backslide“, and her real state of affairs. I want to be honest. Doing so to the “internets” seems about as “out there” as it can get. I guess seeing how things really are is a first step, yes?

So, I’m attempting to “engage”. I am reaching out for accountability. That’s why I started the May Day Challenge – in an attempt to force my own hand and get me back out there – living – instead of hiding and eating and disengaging.

Gotta run, J5 has a play group in less than half an hour and I have yet to get dressed. Time to “Engage the Day”.

May Day Challenge

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

How much weight I want to lose: 65 in total. I don’t have a set goal for the timeframe of this contest. I will lose what God allows me to lose.

My weight history: Yo-yo my whole life. Fen Phen’ed my way down to 135 for my wedding. Up to 210 in 1998. Weigh Down’ed my way down to the 160s in ’99. Back to the 190s after that. Managed to lose weight through a pregnancy in 2005 (thanks to Gestational Diabetes), but proceeded to put on MORE weight AFTER the pregnancy.

My diet: Basic hunger/fullness based on Thin Within. I am part of a couple of Yahoo online groups, and participate in a weekly chat to discuss life the TW way.

Weaknesses? Eating. I use it to get through difficult times. Unfortunately, in my world difficult includes boredom and procrastination. But I will keep going. Perseverance is a gift, and I’m gonna use it!

ETA: My beginning weight: 195.

O & C

I decided to start writing about my “Observations and Corrections” in my behaviors. So, this will be a new “regular feature” for myself.

OBSERVATION #1:

  • After I put my son down for his nap (around 10:30/11:00 AM), I come back downstairs to my desk, to continue working, and I consider eating an early lunch. It has no relationship to whether or not I am hungry. I am looking for an immediate “pamper me” moment because he’s now asleep and I have some time to myself.

CORRECTION:

  • I don’t know exactly what the right “correction” is, but I am definitely not going to be hungry immediately after his nap on a daily basis. It’s more likely that I will be hungry another hour or two later. So, the right action is to stop procrastinating the fact that I have to work. I will sit at my desk. I will check for unlikely hunger signs. Then I will respond. I can’t have a plan for something that has not happened.

I think what makes this the most hard is that I crave routine. I am not yet practiced enough in my hunger and food volume to be truly planned about. So, instead I will have to actually pay attention to my CURRENT hunger signals and make the decision at that point. It’s not a comfortable method of living for me, but maybe that’s the point. I need to get used to it. In many areas. I need to stop worrying about what is coming and just deal with what *IS*.

Ok, Iā€™m starting to see a trend here

I’m down 4 lbs. in the 3 days I’ve been doing Thin Within. It is so easy for me to try to dismiss this as simple fluctuations in my weight, but I think it’s more.

The first two days of the book are really inspiring to me. I read this book before, back in August 2004. I wrote in my book back then. I can see some real differences in what I’m noting and underlining. This time, it’s more about what I can learn about God from this process, and less about what *I* need to do.

I had a lightbulb moment this morning. It’s about God and me. And even more clearly, it’s about Him. About how awesome He is. And I mean awesome in the “totally cool wow” sense – not just the church language sense. I am feeling a sense of relief in this process. Like I am actually resting in Him for a time. I know I’m going to try to pick back up and control things – it’s just a matter of time before that part of me tries to reassert itself, but I hope to recognize it and stop it.

I have yet to read Day 3 – my morning just sort of flew by before I realized it was time to work. But I’ll get there. And I am excited about what I am going to learn.

Thin Within Again

I’m trying Thin Within again. No pun intended…

Today is Day 1 and already I can tell it’s working. You know how? I’m irritable and cold. One of the weird things that happens to my body when I stop overfeeding it is I get really, really cold in the evening. And that kicks off the cravings for Hot Cocoa – when I’m not hungry. Of course, hot tea just doesn’t sound good (but would serve the same warming purpose).

So, hot bath it was instead. And it’s time to head for bed. Sometimes, the best way to win the fight for the day is to end the day. šŸ˜‰

Thin Within?

I am thinking about getting re-involved in Thin Within. I got an email from their director a few days ago. They’re redoing their website. Will definitely wait until that happens. I tried to start a group a few years back, but the two women that came never came back.

I believe in the truth that I’ve learned in The Lord’s Table. I just think I need to have people to talk to. Face to face. To support each other. Regular discussion.

Or maybe I’m supposed to do this on my own. Just me and God. I don’t know. Need to mull that one over.