It’s OVER!

I have had a change of heart. And mind. And I’m really excited to see where God is leading me on this: I am abstaining from food. I am quitting food cold turkey.

Ok, so not REALLY….but yet I am.

I have, on multiple occasions, complained to my husband how much easier it was to quit smoking than it is to control my eating. I smoked for over 5 years, and when I quit, I just quit. I was on the way to the doctor’s office and knew that he would once again badger me about smoking. So, on the way there I had one last cigarette. Cashed it out, and said I’d quit. Initially, I did it just so I could tell him that I’d quit, but that really was the end for me. Three days of physical withdrawal, and I was good to go.

Food. Not so simple.

After reading the last couple of posts on Heidi’s blog, I was painfully impacted with God telling me to get off the scale. It was something Heidi said –

“Because the scale stayed at a certain weight, I justified eating even when not hungry…and since I was eating when not hungry, I felt compelled to “keep on top of things” by weighing. Both are reflective of a heart not heeding the voice of the Spirit!”

So, my first change is to get off the scale. I realized that I was using the scale as my “how am I doing” in the hopes that it would be my positive influence. All it really did was judge me daily and find me lacking. I wasn’t using any restraint during the day when I needed it.

And the second change? Much bigger. It’s a new attitude of fasting. When I quit smoking, and got the craving, I would work to distract myself. I wouldn’t sit and visualize smoking, and pout about not being able to smoke, and talk to others about how horrible it was to not smoke. I just put up a wall in my mind about it. I was done smoking. Temptation be gone!

I’m trying this about food. I want to have a mindset of fasting. My relationship with food is over. No more thinking about eating, or pouting about not being able to eat, or talk and talk and talk about how much I miss eating and how hard it is to not eat. I’m done. 0 is my friend.

But lest anyone freak out about this – I am not fostering anorexia. I am letting God feed me.

I will prepare healthy meals for my husband and son. I will plan and buy food for their benefit. And when my body is hungry, I will give it small amounts of healthy items just to make the hunger feelings go away. But I’m done with the love of food. It honestly, truly, has been an idol in my life. I have had secret affairs with it for years and years. The only way to put away sin is to turn my back. I am done with food.

I will eat what God allows me to eat. I will be thankful and enjoy whatever he permits. But I am done preparing anything for myself. And if I get antsy during the withdrawal period, I have God – the TRUE food – and plenty of water to drink!

How To Win

…’Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,’ says the LORD Almighty.

Zechariah 4:6

Missing the point

When will I stop striving? When will I figure this out? When will I just stop eating when I am not hungry? When will I surrender?

Turning around

The prodigal’s first right step was to turn around – to face home.

When he finally came to his senses, he said to himself, ‘At home even the hired servants have food enough to spare, and here I am dying of hunger! I will go home to my father and say, “Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, and I am no longer worthy of being called your son. Please take me on as a hired servant.”’

“So he returned home to his father. And while he was still a long way off, his father saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him. His son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, and I am no longer worthy of being called your son.’

“But his father said to the servants, ‘Quick! Bring the finest robe in the house and put it on him. Get a ring for his finger and sandals for his feet. And kill the calf we have been fattening. We must celebrate with a feast, for this son of mine was dead and has now returned to life. He was lost, but now he is found.’ So the party began.
Luke 15:17-24

It would be as ridiculous for me to continue to live in this way as it was for the lost son. I want to be found. I’m ready for the party to begin!

Surrender

My friend, Heather, posted the video Undo, by Rush of Fools on her blog today. It has been a while since I have been brought to immediate crushing humbling tears.

The chorus says,

Turn me around pick me up
Undo what I’ve become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, need Your help
I can’t do this myself
You’re the only one who can undo
What I’ve become

Father, only you know why I keep returning to my sin, returning to the pit. Only you can undo what I’ve become. I surrender. I submit. I need you. Forgive me. Heal me. I can’t do it. I just can’t.

Simplify

One of the things that God seems to be telling me today is that I need to simplify. I need to stop looking to others to save me. Others can be a help, a loving hug, and an encouragement, but the saving…that’s reserved for Him.

The thoughts He has given me over the past day or so are somewhat random, but point in the same direction:

  • Using my body’s hunger mechanism will take care of the weight my body wants to get rid of.
  • When I am tempted to ignore that God given mechanism, I need to do what is found in James 4:7:

    So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

  • I have been wallowing in the pit for the past few days, and flailing around in either shame or desperation. Not knowing what to do, I get the answer from Isaiah 57:15:

    I restore the crushed spirit of the humble and revive the courage of those with repentant hearts.

So, wait for hunger, repent and humble myself before God, resist the devil, and let God get to restoring my crushed spirit and revive my courage….

Oh, I DOVE in this time!

I need to write, just so I’m not running away. Had a friend ask me about Weigh Down. Funny how I can be tempted to return there solely because I had success there.

I need to remember it was my reconnection with God that made the change in my life, not Gwen.

I’m feeling weak and useless today. But I need to remember that the dark times are actually when God’s closest and I need to stop trying to go deeper and hide.

The light will come again.

I surrender. But this time, to God’s hand, not to the temptation.