Hoping there’s a new challenge coming soon?
Well, here I sit, head to toe in pit mud. I am at a loss for words. I have spent the evening going from place to place in the blogosphere. Got caught up on my blog reading. Got caught up on my MOG forum stuff. Updated my 2007 Book List. Even wrote a lame book review on GOOTP.
And now. Nothing. I was once prompted by a blog-friend to just sit down and write. Doesn’t matter if you have the words at first. Pray, ask for words, then write.
I have been avoiding God today. Yesterday too. I’ve been willing to talk to Him for the sake of others. And for the sake of the struggles going on in the blogosphere. But when it comes to the food. I’ve given up. Stopped investing. Stopped stopping myself from eating. I go to the kitchen whenever I feel bad. I am avoiding the TLT study because I know that the next one is about exercise. Besides, I’m already at like day 32 or something and I’ve not lost a thing. By this point in my WDW world I’d lost like 10 pounds! And it just flew off!
How can I recreate that level of success?
Do I want to? Is that what I’m really after? My mom said something to me a day or two ago and it’s been floating around in the back of my mind. She urged me to stop stressing so much about my weight and worry more about my health. At first I didn’t see much of a difference. My weight is such a huge component of (or detriment to) my health that it’s hard for me to see anything else to focus on. But there’s that “E” thing. Exercise. My heart health. I’ve got diabetes in my family as well as heart trouble. I need to get it into my head if I’m not proactive. I could die of a heart attack. And pretty young too! My mom has already had two heart attacks. My grandma (mom’s mom) had a triple (quadruple?) bypass. My grandfather also had a few heart attacks before he died.
I go this weekend for a complete physical. My first since my six-week post-partum checkup after having J5. It scares me. So many things to discuss. I had a bunch of blood tests done over a month ago and the results have just been sitting there. (Had to reschedule for a time when J4 would be home to take care of J5).
I absolutely KNOW that something needs to change. I don’t want to do it chemically if I don’t have to.
Is this a spiritual battle? Is my journey one that God can/must be intimately a part of? Or is this just old-fashioned self discipline needed? Why do I have such a thick skull about this? It’s not new. It’s not rocket science.
God, help me. Please.
I really do need to start posting about the victories I have, but the losses are so much more impactful…
You can insulate yourself from the temptation for only so long. At some point you have to get out there, plant your own two feet upon that rock, and resist. Once, then twice. Ten times, then twenty-five. Thirty times, then fifty till your flesh submits and your enemy gives up on that front and quits. Sooner or later, relying on the power of Christ acting through you, you’re going to have to face your foe and win. You can’t just run from him and hide, because he’ll keep showing up wherever you go.”
GOOTP p. 164
This morning I was unprepared for battle. I tried to pretend this wasn’t really a battle. If I just close my ears I won’t hear the Holy Spirit’s guiding whisper to my soul. I stuck my fingers in my ears and made a second cup of coffee. (Lundie coffee is heavy with creamer & sweetener – and I was done with breakfast). I didn’t just lose the battle, I walked right up to the enemy and handed him my weapons in exchange for that stupid cup!
Picking up. Dusting off. Resettling my feet on the Rock.
Like I may have mentioned, I am currently reading Eastertide: Prayers for Lent through Easter from The Divine Hours. A pray that I just finished reading struck a chord with me:
Eastertide, p. 76
O Lord, you have taught us that without love whatever we do is worth nothing. Send your Holy Spirit and pour into my heart your greatest give, which is love, the true bond of peace and of all virtue, without which whoever lives is accounted dead before you. Grant this for the sake of your only Son Jesus Christ, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and for ever. Amen.
Without love I am nothing.
1 Corinthians 13:1-3
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
I lost the battle this afternoon. Around 3:00p or so, I just gave up. Went into the kitchen and ate a handful of chocolate mints and several Hershey’s minis. The volume wasn’t the issue. It was the willful jump into the pit. I have been under attack from virtually every direction today. My concentration upon waking was attacked. I read the prayers, but didn’t wait for the “go-ahead” from God. Started my day without feeling His peace.
Couldn’t concentrate during work. J5 took a really short morning nap, much too short. Lunch was greedy. J5’s afternoon nap was late and I don’t even know for sure if he slept. I lost the battle waiting for him to sleep. My house is a mess. I saw the candy when unpacking groceries. Once they were opened, the battle was waged. It was so quick. I virtually surrendered with my hands outstretched. Why do I do it so willfully? So rebelliously? Why do I visualize a rebellion against God? Why do I think he’s trying to cause me pain or suffering? Why do I believe that taking food when it’s not needed will somehow make me happy?
J5s second nap ended abruptly when two AT&T men came to the door and Avedis barked loudly. (Good dog!!) Had a salesman come to the door yesterday and almost connive me into switching without making it clear that they weren’t the “same” AT&T as my service provider. May have been confusion, but I resented it. I didn’t really let the two guys explain themselves. Today was not the day…