It’s OVER!

I have had a change of heart. And mind. And I’m really excited to see where God is leading me on this: I am abstaining from food. I am quitting food cold turkey.

Ok, so not REALLY….but yet I am.

I have, on multiple occasions, complained to my husband how much easier it was to quit smoking than it is to control my eating. I smoked for over 5 years, and when I quit, I just quit. I was on the way to the doctor’s office and knew that he would once again badger me about smoking. So, on the way there I had one last cigarette. Cashed it out, and said I’d quit. Initially, I did it just so I could tell him that I’d quit, but that really was the end for me. Three days of physical withdrawal, and I was good to go.

Food. Not so simple.

After reading the last couple of posts on Heidi’s blog, I was painfully impacted with God telling me to get off the scale. It was something Heidi said –

“Because the scale stayed at a certain weight, I justified eating even when not hungry…and since I was eating when not hungry, I felt compelled to “keep on top of things” by weighing. Both are reflective of a heart not heeding the voice of the Spirit!”

So, my first change is to get off the scale. I realized that I was using the scale as my “how am I doing” in the hopes that it would be my positive influence. All it really did was judge me daily and find me lacking. I wasn’t using any restraint during the day when I needed it.

And the second change? Much bigger. It’s a new attitude of fasting. When I quit smoking, and got the craving, I would work to distract myself. I wouldn’t sit and visualize smoking, and pout about not being able to smoke, and talk to others about how horrible it was to not smoke. I just put up a wall in my mind about it. I was done smoking. Temptation be gone!

I’m trying this about food. I want to have a mindset of fasting. My relationship with food is over. No more thinking about eating, or pouting about not being able to eat, or talk and talk and talk about how much I miss eating and how hard it is to not eat. I’m done. 0 is my friend.

But lest anyone freak out about this – I am not fostering anorexia. I am letting God feed me.

I will prepare healthy meals for my husband and son. I will plan and buy food for their benefit. And when my body is hungry, I will give it small amounts of healthy items just to make the hunger feelings go away. But I’m done with the love of food. It honestly, truly, has been an idol in my life. I have had secret affairs with it for years and years. The only way to put away sin is to turn my back. I am done with food.

I will eat what God allows me to eat. I will be thankful and enjoy whatever he permits. But I am done preparing anything for myself. And if I get antsy during the withdrawal period, I have God – the TRUE food – and plenty of water to drink!

Writing

Lord, I don’t know what lies within. But this writing is to take the time to listen to You and find. And then, to take up a different life.
— Ann, at Holy Experience

So much of my writing is reflecting on what was or what is, but what it should really become is a way to pour out so I can change.

Lord, I am still just a hearer, and not a doer. I hear a lot of things.

The laundry being spun. The cheerful, but as of yet unintelligible, chatter of a near 2 year old. Squeals of alternating delight and disappointment as his faithful playmate, the dog, keeps a toy just out of his grasp.

A little here, a little there. Playing with building blocks. Squeezing two of them together, but then unable to separate them, squawks in frustration. “Bring it to mommy, and I will help you”, I hear myself say. But he’s thrown the blocks away and moved on to the next thing.

Ah, how much of myself I see in him. I try to do something, run into difficulty, and do not listen when my Father says “Bring it to me, child, and I will help you.” Instead, I decide that this new thing just doesn’t work, and discard it. Moving on to something else. And nothing else satisfies. Nothing else works. And I keep moving and searching and dabbling.

Lord, slow me down. Teach me to see. To wait. To bring all things to you for your help. In the way of a 2-year old, I want to do it all by myself. Trying to exert independence. Why? What will I gain. I come to you to be changed. To start to DO what it is that I’ve been thinking, talking and hearing about. Please show me what this doing looks like. It’s so easy for me to leap into legalism and striving and I know that there is a difference between striving and doing.

Jesus replied, “But even more blessed are all who hear the word of God and put it into practice.”
Luke 11:28

Our Moral Obligation – A Link

If you have a chance, please take a look at this blog post, written by Chris, a chaplain in the US Army, currently stationed in Iraq.

He has a really good point.

Happy Wednesday!