John Burke spoke at the Leadership Summit and lodged some serious nuggets in my brain.
I missed out on being able to buy an advanced copy of his book. 🙁 Sadly, I was unaware that it had not yet hit stores, so I just figured I’d pick one up from Amazon. It will not be shipped until October 1.
But God is moving in my mind and in my heart. I am going to start the challenge by myself, right now. Life’s too short, and this is too important, to put off until later.
What do I want? What is stopping me from going after it? Fear? Fear of failure? Fear that if I pursue something I want and it’s not God’s will, then it’s doomed to fail. So…why do anything unless it’s got God’s stamp of approval.
Yeah, that’s what my life’s about. Blaming my lack of pursuit of anything on God not giving me the visual thumbs up.
God, please show yourself in a way that leaves me without doubt that you are speaking to me. I’m so terribly afraid that I have ignored you for so long that I won’t get to hear you. Or that I will just dismiss what you have told me because it isn’t what I want to hear.
What am I afraid of? Failure? Wasting effort. That angers me most of all. Expending precious energy and having it be worthless. Striving. I hate striving.
God, help me. Please bring clarity to my mind and heart. Help me to see what ever time and truth I may be in. Help me make today worth the effort of living.
Tell me when I’m gonna live again
Tell me when this fear will end
Take it all. Everything. I don’t have any answers within me. I want to have the truth. I want to know the truth. I want to walk in truth. Help me.
As of late, I find it hard to not be dismayed (disconcerted and at a loss as to how to deal with something). Depression can be like that, I guess. My soul hurts. I just don’t get it. For a couple days there, I thought I was getting it. I felt connected with God. I was connecting with some IRL friends. I was getting exercise. I was getting J5 out of the house to “socialize” (btw, can I tell you just how much I HATE that word – thrown at you from the sidelines like you’re an inadequate mother if you’re not dumping your child off at a day care for someone else to raise along with a horde of other children! …but I digress…).
I was doing what I thought was the “right” thing. And I landed flat on my face. Exhausted. J5 sick. Me in a deeper funk than ever before. Looking at the upcoming holiday celebrations with a combination of lethargy and dread. Getting increasingly angry with people that are passing on a less-than-Christ-like spirit when talking about Christmas. I honestly will be so happy when this season is over so people can get back to their regular lives and stop getting themselves all worked up over imagined religious slights. Why is it that people would rather get all worked up about terminology used to express a polite and loving greeting than spend their energy loving Christ and loving the people around them?
Honestly, what worldly good will be accomplished by trying to work up our fellow “Christians” into a fevered frenzy? Do we honestly believe our rights to be loving and Christlike in our celebration of his arrival on this planet are being trampled? Has someone come to our homes and trashed the nativity scenes on our front lawns or in our living rooms? Did someone ream us out when we quietly and genuinely wished them a Merry Christmas? (If so, did we mean it when we said it? Or were we trying to preach a hostile sermon in the way we said it – “Merry Christmas”?)
But back to the original meaning of the title of this post – dismayed. As I was trying desperately to claw my way out of this funk, I grabbed my Bible this morning and laid my head down on it and begged my Father to give me something meaningful to cling to. This was the verse that I read:
Because the Sovereign Lord helps me, I will not be dismayed. Therefore I have set my face like a stone, determined to do his will. And I know that I will triumph. Isaiah 50:7
I am going to be spending some time meditating on each of the several powerful thoughts in this verse. I so intensely wish this was true for me.
This is my prayer tonight. The video I’ve included is just to make the sharing of the song easier – there isn’t a “real” music video available that I can find, but I pray you listen to the words, more than the pretty pictures anyway.