Well, I got another flash of revelation from my Heavenly Father this evening. I asked in my last post what all this loitering in my weight meant. God’s letting me see how successful I am when I go it alone. You see, I’m a very, very stubborn girl. I don’t want to be helped. I want to prove myself. I want to be worthy. I don’t want to *owe* anyone. Ever. I hate being indebted. With a passion.
But I need to love Him more. More than my pride. More than my self-sufficiency. I need to trust him with the same intensity that I defend myself. And I need to get over myself. I DO owe God. I AM indebted to Him. I just need him to impress upon me what I really have. He’s not the source of my guilt and my heavy heart. That would be compliments of the accuser.
What I do get is forgiveness and love, even when I boldly and willfully charge off in the direction that I want to go, instead of in the direction He’s trying to gently lead me.
O God, you know how foolish I am;
my sins cannot be hidden from you.
So, I once again reach up, Father, and ask you to lift me up out of this mud. Show me how to let go of “my way”, and see yours clearly. I don’t want to wander off anymore. Amen.
I don’t understand how forgiveness works. I mean, do people actually forgive? Or do they really just agree to not mention the infraction any more, and when bad feelings surface and resurface, just have an agreement to shove those feelings back down and not take action on them?
Where does grace fit in here? God’s grace. What is it? What does it mean? Is it real?
And, how is this related to anything I post in this blog? I think it may well be an underlying factor in my cycle of overeating.
To me, forgiveness is something like – “Ok, I won’t be mad anymore, don’t do it again and we’ll pretend it never happened.”
But unfortunately, the part about “don’t do it again” doesn’t last. Things get done again. In a slightly different way. Sometimes in almost exactly the same way. Then the “I won’t be mad anymore” part gets harder to say. Requires more emotional dampening. Requires more hardening of the heart to protect it from the next time.
I asked a friend if there were any good books about Grace and Forgiveness. I have one on my list. I also feel it is time for me to read the Bible again. Not just picking it up here and there to skim a verse or two in the hopes that something will jump out at me, but to read it with my heart questions in mind and just see what God has to say.
I think maybe Thin Again might be helpful. I have rejected it several times because I have believed that my eating issues can’t really be tied to my past. I wasn’t abused. I had a relatively “normal” childhood, I guess. Of course there really is no such thing as “normal” but I certainly haven’t grown up feeling “damaged” – so why go digging for something that isn’t there in the hopes that I find something to “blame” for my humanity.
So, maybe I need to re-title part of this blog “Seeking Grace”. I’ll try to write about what I find along the way. At the very least it will be interesting to see where I go…