I’m really sick of feeling like a victim. Feeling anxious all the time. Brain cranking, looking for where the next spinning plate will drop in the desperate hope of catching it in time. It’s exhausting.
There is a lot still shifting in my mental architecture. In some ways, I feel like I’m having a second adolescence — which was complicated enough the first time around. Ugh. I just turned 44. (Right? Um, yeah. 2015 takeaway…yeah. 44. *smh*) There are some “finally growing up” feelings going on, but it’s more about shedding my inherited assumptions of how life works — and testing for myself — than rebelling against the “Ps” (which I never actually did…). This time it’s a lot scarier.
What am I so damned afraid of?
- Letting go and the world falls apart and it’s all my fault
- Making “wrong” choices
- Being a disappointment
- Being vulnerable to attack
- Appearing incompetent
- Being seen as unintelligent and a fraud
Some wise things that people have said to me recently, that I want to just engrave on my brain for this season in my life:
“Won’t know until you try.”
“If you’re not failing, you’re not trying.”
“What is the worst that can happen?”
This last one I think is the most important for me to take the time to honestly answer. I need to really verbalize the “worst case scenario”. I think I’ve been robbing myself of great options on a regular basis by ruling them out because of the “dread lurk”. It’s sort of the ominous Dread Pirate Roberts of my brain. “Sleep well. I’ll most likely kill you in the morning.” If I’m ever going to get out in front of this Dread, I need to start pushing all the way through the “What if…?” options. If I keep skipping all the good things for fear of some sort of hidden “cost” that must be paid, I’m never going to move. I’ll continue my life just frozen. Locked in my own head, second-guessing every thought, only moving when I must.
It’s time to rewrite the rules of engagement.