By Your Side – Tenth Avenue North

Waiting

Though it’s still difficult to talk about, I wanted to share here that we found out on Wednesday that I have miscarried. While we wait for the physical eventualities, I am going to remain somewhat offline for a while.

Thanks for understanding.

Sometimes, it’s just a struggle…

I don’t like to whine. I don’t want to complain. But this is where I need to be the real me, so here I go.

I am depressed. I am unhappy. I have no reason for either. I am afraid. Many little things cause me emotional distress. Things that do not signify danger, but get blown out of proportion in my mind.

I did not get enough sleep last night. I stayed up trying to write my devotional for Faith Lifts. Then, I just couldn’t sleep. Too many thoughts racing. Never enough accomplished in my day. Feelings like I’m just insufficient. I am never enough.

And it has carried over into today. Feelings like I can never catch up. I will always be behind. Lacking. A day late and a dollar short.

I don’t WANT to feel this way. I’ve read that some of this can be attributed to pride – which I do not doubt as I know that’s one of my regular sins. I just don’t know how to get out. Sometimes I just have better days than others.

I know that God can heal whatever bad things are going on in my head and in my soul. I just wish I knew how to make it happen RIGHT NOW.

And even we Christians, although we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, also groan to be released from pain and suffering. we, too, wait anxiously for that day when God will give us our full rights as his children, including the new bodies he has promised us. Now that we are saved, we eagerly look forward to this freedom. For if you already have something, you don’t need to hope for it. But if we look forward to something we don’t have yet, we must wait patiently and confidently.

And the Holy Spirit helps us in our distress. For we don’t even know what we should pray for, nor how we should pray. but the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will. And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” Romans 8:23-28

Father, I’m going to have the let the Holy Spirit do the praying for me here. I know you’re the answer. Your word has everything I need to heal this soul-pain and distress I am feeling. I do not want to resort to medication if I don’t have to. Please give me the spiritual solution, rather than the pharmaceutical one. I know you have the power to heal everything – including my anxiety and depression. Let me be filled with your Comforting Spirit – and know that that is enough. Help me to deny the lies that my head seems to be believing – that is causing my fear. I believe in You. Help me.

Self-reliance, pride and other things

Well, I got another flash of revelation from my Heavenly Father this evening. I asked in my last post what all this loitering in my weight meant. God’s letting me see how successful I am when I go it alone. You see, I’m a very, very stubborn girl. I don’t want to be helped. I want to prove myself. I want to be worthy. I don’t want to *owe* anyone. Ever. I hate being indebted. With a passion.

But I need to love Him more. More than my pride. More than my self-sufficiency. I need to trust him with the same intensity that I defend myself. And I need to get over myself. I DO owe God. I AM indebted to Him. I just need him to impress upon me what I really have. He’s not the source of my guilt and my heavy heart. That would be compliments of the accuser.

What I do get is forgiveness and love, even when I boldly and willfully charge off in the direction that I want to go, instead of in the direction He’s trying to gently lead me.

O God, you know how foolish I am;
      my sins cannot be hidden from you.
Ps. 69:5

So, I once again reach up, Father, and ask you to lift me up out of this mud. Show me how to let go of “my way”, and see yours clearly. I don’t want to wander off anymore. Amen.

…chaos…

I don’t even know why I am posting. I want to have something to say, but my head is so full of the events of this week.

God is faithful. I am not.

I have been shaken. I have fallen. I am still standing, but only by the grace of my God.

He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.
Psalm 40:2

I am still struggling with the concept of a vow to God. I am not capable of keeping it perfectly, but does that mean I should not make one? That I should not aim to be true to Him?

Had bouts with fear this week on so many levels. Including, but not limited to, a man who came to our door and scared me so bad I slammed the door in his face, locked it, and called 911. I have not been so shaken up in my life.

A dear friend of mine shared her thoughts with me on the shaking that is going on. She said she also went through a time of shaking that was from God. I would like to believe, and am choosing to do so, that all of this is part of God’s plan and that I’m going to come out of this on the other side with a bunch of things removed from me that need to be.

Be careful that you do not refuse to listen to the One who is speaking. For if the people of Israel did not escape when they refused to listen to Moses, the earthly messenger, we will certainly not escape if we reject the One who speaks to us from heaven! When God spoke from Mount Sinai his voice shook the earth, but now he makes another promise: “Once again I will shake not only the earth but the heavens also.” This means that all of creation will be shaken and removed, so that only unshakable things will remain. Since we are receiving a Kingdom that is unshakable, let us be thankful and please God by worshiping him with holy fear and awe. For our God is a devouring fire.
Hebrews 12:25-29

Lord, let what remains of me be only unshakable You.

God alone

Let your unfailing love surround us, LORD, for our hope is in you alone. (Psalm 33:22)

I am being attacked. No, not physically, but emotionally and spiritually.

Where do I go? Who do I have?

I want to lean on friends, loved ones. I want to eat all the food that will give comfort. I want to collapse in a soggy heap. I feel like wandering around asking if anyone cares. Being a WAHM limits my exposure to adults who can see my emotional need and tend to me.

But maybe I’m not to be tended to. Maybe I need to learn how to lean on my Father. Maybe I need to put my hope in Him. Alone.

But I am trusting you, O Lord,
saying, “You are my God!”
My future is in your hands.
Rescue me from those who hunt me down relentlessly.
Let your favor shine on your servant.
In your unfailing love, rescue me. (Psalm 31:14-16)

I’ve screwed up…

Ok, how do you recover from complete and willful sin? That was my day and now I am sitting here not sure what to do. I am so frustrated with myself. I don’t know how many more times I can do this before my heart just crusts over and I’m stuck in my sin.

I ate the way I wanted to today, not the way God wants me to. I had a few moments where I was aware of my choice in front of me. And to quote the knight guarding the grail…I “chose poorly…”

I have still read my Bible in the morning, but that’s all. I haven’t done my TLT study in several days. My weight was going down, so I got proud and busy. This morning it was all the way back up.

I took J5 to Sabbath School yesterday. It was a nice time. I think I’ll go back again next week. It was hard though. I got there at 9:30 AM. They start with songs up in the sanctuary, then break into classes after that. There was a woman playing the guitar and a man leading the songs. There were about 15 people there. It was so pitiful. I sang my heart out. Ended up getting the attention of one woman. She said something in my direction about a “future song leader”. That scared me. Made me feel like the church is struggling.

I was only there for Sabbath School, so I have no idea how the minister is, nor how actual church attendance is. There were about 6 other children J5’s age in Cradle Roll. It was nice because they sang some of the old songs I remember. It was good for J5 to be around other children and be in a class setting.

I just don’t know.

And now that I’ve gone and ONCE AGAIN chosen food over God…I don’t even feel like I can ask Him for help. Why do I, time after time, fail God?