When will I stop striving? When will I figure this out? When will I just stop eating when I am not hungry? When will I surrender?
The way I have been feeling lately, I think I’ve discovered that there’s land UNDER the Pit and I’ve scraped bottom there.
It’s dark and cold and I just want to give up and sleep. Depression. Anxiety. Fear. There HAS to be a way out.
In a TW support chat tonight someone said something about hunger that totally hit home. She said, “Hunger brings me to a transparent place before the Lord.”
I have been giving myself free rein with my food this week. I have not told myself “no” more than once or twice, and only just because I was in physical pain from what I had already eaten.
What am I hiding? What is it that I think I can hide? And exactly who am I hiding it from? God? Or myself? If I don’t get down to what is really bothering me, will it not bother me?
It started shortly after I found out a relatively new friend got some life-altering news. It rocked my world in a way that was unexpected. I don’t think I’ve found my balance since then. It’s like nothing made sense anymore. Nothing seemed normal. Things changed in small ways that made everything seem unfamiliar…even hostile.
So, as a default, I returned headfirst into eating. I stopped my morning study of TW. I haven’t read the Bible at all. I haven’t read any of the Divine Hours prayers. Nothing. I have, however plunged head-first into service. Helping out wherever I can – making myself useful. It seems my path to feeling better about myself is paved with being useful and pleasing people. And yet I still eat.
Tonight I have just about come to the end of all my energy. My internal momentum is grinding to a halt. In TW terms, I’m living the pendulum life (between license and legalism), and can see I’m about to head full into the legalism stage…unless I make some deliberate changes. Unless I stop the default path of my life and just get quiet. I haven’t been listening for the past several days. I am so afraid to get quiet. I am afraid of what I might hear. I am afraid of truth.
We (J4 and I) are looking at making some pretty hefty decisions, and I am terrified, absolutely in a panic over our considered changes. I don’t want to make the changes, but then I do, but then I don’t. I feel like I cannot rest until it’s resolved, but it will do nothing but harm to rush through the decisions we’re making.
I need to get quiet, and get honest with God, and then just listen. I don’t know if I have the patience for that.
Lord, give me the strength to be weak, and the confidence to put myself at your mercy, and the stillness to speak the truth to you.
The prodigal’s first right step was to turn around – to face home.
“When he finally came to his senses, he said to himself, ‘At home even the hired servants have food enough to spare, and here I am dying of hunger! I will go home to my father and say, “Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, and I am no longer worthy of being called your son. Please take me on as a hired servant.”’
“So he returned home to his father. And while he was still a long way off, his father saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him. His son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, and I am no longer worthy of being called your son.’
“But his father said to the servants, ‘Quick! Bring the finest robe in the house and put it on him. Get a ring for his finger and sandals for his feet. And kill the calf we have been fattening. We must celebrate with a feast, for this son of mine was dead and has now returned to life. He was lost, but now he is found.’ So the party began.
It would be as ridiculous for me to continue to live in this way as it was for the lost son. I want to be found. I’m ready for the party to begin!
My friend, Heather, posted the video Undo, by Rush of Fools on her blog today. It has been a while since I have been brought to immediate crushing humbling tears.
The chorus says,
Turn me around pick me up
Undo what I’ve become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, need Your help
I can’t do this myself
You’re the only one who can undo
What I’ve become
Father, only you know why I keep returning to my sin, returning to the pit. Only you can undo what I’ve become. I surrender. I submit. I need you. Forgive me. Heal me. I can’t do it. I just can’t.
Christian Women Online have a special feature called “In Other Words” where they post a quote and take turns hosting the Mr. Linky for people to blog about the quote. The quote for this past Friday was this from C.S. Lewis:
“Every time you make a choice you are turning the central part of you, the part of you that chooses, into something a little different from what it was before…either into a creature that is in harmony with God,…or into one that is in a state of war with God. Each of us at each moment is progressing to the one state or the other.”
C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity
I am so completely ashamed. Today was a charge towards a state of war. Towards hardening my heart. Towards practicing my will completely. I don’t know what went wrong. My morning started out so wonderfully. J5 slept in and I had the chance to spend some time in my Bible just reading and learning about God. I did something different as I was reading the scriptures. I read it to see not what I should be doing, but what the verse taught me about God.
I am fairly certain that the underlying reason that I don’t obey the way I need to is because I don’t really trust God and what he says. I think it’s almost worth a re-read of Beth Moore’s Believing God. That book addresses this exact problem. I’ve posted several times about it on my random wander site – as I was reading that book a while back. Not enough of it stuck, I guess.
Tomorrow is another day and I am desperately needing those mercies of His that are new… I want to take the next right step TOWARDS Him.