The “never enough” monster has lived in my brain too long. The nit-picking, the quick skimming over successes, the extensive dwelling on the shortfalls. I can be a real bitch.
Today I’m speaking up and saying “SHUT UP!!!” to that inner voice who can’t seem to get enough.
For a lot of years I’ve used that voice as a “white glove check” of my performance. If I can survive “the worst” that my internal voice can dish out, maybe, just maybe, I’ll be prepared to handle external criticism and failure. That level of fear served me for a long time. Always the prepared one. Very methodical. Uber planner. The one who has dental floss, needle and thread, nail clippers, spray neosporin and TUMS packed in every purse and bag “just in case”. Those are great things to have, of course, but it requires imagining and focusing on every terrible thing.
When I do have success, and things go smoothly? That voice jumps right in, scanning the future – imagining all sorts of new horrible things to be prepared for. There’s no time for rest, for enjoyment, for relaxing, for celebrating.
I’m just saying “enough”. Time to take a breather. I had a nice lull in the chaos this week and did some focused, good, hard labor and I plowed through a backlog at work that has haunted me. As soon as I was done, I got this horrible pit in my stomach. It took me a while to realize why. The voice was already on the job, pointing out all of the OTHER things that I had NOT yet done.
So tonight, I’m saying “SHUT UP”. But I don’t want to end it on a bad note. My inner voice is a part of me, and needs to be retrained. So, I’ll say this instead…
After the migraines this past week, I realized that although my writing topic is Speaking Up, I am needing to do some “listening up” as well. My body is sending full out alarms about the way I am managing the stress in my life. (Hint: not very well.)
I hit a real low earlier in the day. Had a good cry. Then found the song I needed to hear.
Today was full. Cubs won. #DemDebate. I am calling it a night.
“Sunlight is said to be the best of disinfectants; electric light the most efficient policeman.”
– Supreme Court Justice Louis Brandeis
What do I want most in life? To be rid of the fear that is not warranted. To take on those huge, lurking, smoky, eerie, creepy, debilitating, elusive but ever present bastards and eliminate them.
So, the best way for me to proceed is to just turn on the light and start naming names. In no particular order, the following things are things that strike fear in my heart – warranted or not:
The condemnation of others
Loss of reputation
Loss of loved ones
Wasted time and effort
Making a wrong move
Getting “it” wrong
Discovering I’ve been believing a lie
The widespread lack of listening and empathy “out there”
The idea that I’m one of the adults running the world now
Exercise – and the fact I need it to live and still fear it
Being a doormat
Not being able to stand up and speak up when things are not ok
…to be continued…
When I saw this video for the first time this morning I realized that there are times you have to let go and release a fear, and then other times you have to just grab that hatchet and go KICK its ASS!!