The “never enough” monster has lived in my brain too long. The nit-picking, the quick skimming over successes, the extensive dwelling on the shortfalls. I can be a real bitch.
Today I’m speaking up and saying “SHUT UP!!!” to that inner voice who can’t seem to get enough.
For a lot of years I’ve used that voice as a “white glove check” of my performance. If I can survive “the worst” that my internal voice can dish out, maybe, just maybe, I’ll be prepared to handle external criticism and failure. That level of fear served me for a long time. Always the prepared one. Very methodical. Uber planner. The one who has dental floss, needle and thread, nail clippers, spray neosporin and TUMS packed in every purse and bag “just in case”. Those are great things to have, of course, but it requires imagining and focusing on every terrible thing.
When I do have success, and things go smoothly? That voice jumps right in, scanning the future – imagining all sorts of new horrible things to be prepared for. There’s no time for rest, for enjoyment, for relaxing, for celebrating.
I’m just saying “enough”. Time to take a breather. I had a nice lull in the chaos this week and did some focused, good, hard labor and I plowed through a backlog at work that has haunted me. As soon as I was done, I got this horrible pit in my stomach. It took me a while to realize why. The voice was already on the job, pointing out all of the OTHER things that I had NOT yet done.
So tonight, I’m saying “SHUT UP”. But I don’t want to end it on a bad note. My inner voice is a part of me, and needs to be retrained. So, I’ll say this instead…