Pain

Sometimes, when I read a book, I find a passage that makes me want to scream YES YES YES YES!!! That’s it EXACTLY!! I can’t underline or highlight it enough. That happened today, so I am going to share it here too. It’s from the book “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie.

“…I became so caught up in the chaos of a few alcoholics that I stopped living my own life. I stopped thinking, I stopped feeling positive emotions, and I was left with rage, bitterness, hatred, fear, depression, helplessness, despair and guilt. At times, I wanted to stop living. I had no energy. I spent most of my time worrying about people and trying to figure out how to control them. I couldn’t say no (to anything but fun activities) if my life depended on it, which it did. My relationships with friends and family members were in shambles. I felt I didn’t know what had happened. I thought I was going crazy. And I though, shaking a finger at the people around me, it’s their fault.

Sadly, aside from myself, nobody know how badly I felt. My problems were my secret. Unlike the alcoholics and other troubled people in my life, I wasn’t going around making bing messes and expecting someone to clean up after me. In fact, next to the alcoholics, I looked good. I was so responsible, so dependable. Sometimes I wasn’t sure I had a problem. I knew I felt miserable, but I didn’t understand why my life wasn’t working.
Codependent No More, p7

This post really is just for me. If you find something meaningful in it, that’s cool. I’d love to hear from you. If not, see ya around!

ETA: Clarification: There are not currently any alcoholics in my life to my knowledge. The post is about me and what is going on in my head, not about anyone in my life in particular.