I want to be perfect. I want God to love me because I earned it. I want to be entitled to all kinds of good things because I worked hard and did a good job.
There is a whole lot of hurt in these wants of mine. They’re not the way the world really works. Not God’s world. God’s world is completely different. I didn’t realize that getting into this Experiment would not always be blissful. There’s some pain involved.
I have always had this attitude of – just tell me what to do and I’ll go do it. I don’t like to be corrected, so if I sense I’m doing something not right or not good enough, I want to go fix it before you can lecture me on it.
I think that’s one of the harder things about being raised in the church, and in a conservative religion. I got no real “conversion” experience. No newly discovered relationship. God’s been a very familiar and pre-set entity. His expectations are set. I wasn’t taught relationship. I have a lot to learn…