Dismayed

As of late, I find it hard to not be dismayed (disconcerted and at a loss as to how to deal with something). Depression can be like that, I guess. My soul hurts. I just don’t get it. For a couple days there, I thought I was getting it. I felt connected with God. I was connecting with some IRL friends. I was getting exercise. I was getting J5 out of the house to “socialize” (btw, can I tell you just how much I HATE that word – thrown at you from the sidelines like you’re an inadequate mother if you’re not dumping your child off at a day care for someone else to raise along with a horde of other children! …but I digress…).

I was doing what I thought was the “right” thing. And I landed flat on my face. Exhausted. J5 sick. Me in a deeper funk than ever before. Looking at the upcoming holiday celebrations with a combination of lethargy and dread. Getting increasingly angry with people that are passing on a less-than-Christ-like spirit when talking about Christmas. I honestly will be so happy when this season is over so people can get back to their regular lives and stop getting themselves all worked up over imagined religious slights. Why is it that people would rather get all worked up about terminology used to express a polite and loving greeting than spend their energy loving Christ and loving the people around them?

Honestly, what worldly good will be accomplished by trying to work up our fellow “Christians” into a fevered frenzy? Do we honestly believe our rights to be loving and Christlike in our celebration of his arrival on this planet are being trampled? Has someone come to our homes and trashed the nativity scenes on our front lawns or in our living rooms? Did someone ream us out when we quietly and genuinely wished them a Merry Christmas? (If so, did we mean it when we said it? Or were we trying to preach a hostile sermon in the way we said it – “Merry Christmas”?)

But back to the original meaning of the title of this post – dismayed. As I was trying desperately to claw my way out of this funk, I grabbed my Bible this morning and laid my head down on it and begged my Father to give me something meaningful to cling to. This was the verse that I read:

Because the Sovereign Lord helps me, I will not be dismayed. Therefore I have set my face like a stone, determined to do his will. And I know that I will triumph. Isaiah 50:7

I am going to be spending some time meditating on each of the several powerful thoughts in this verse. I so intensely wish this was true for me.