There’s a lot going in my head today. Super introspective, which is nothing new, but some of the things I’m reading and meditating on, are resonating strongly within me.
Heidi wrote, in Part 4 of her testimony on her blog:
Shame is dangerous. It causes us to isolate, to hide, and furthers our sin/shame patterns. have you found that to be true? I know now that if I have been hiding out at home and not getting out to see people as often, to evaluate my life…what is going on. Am I caught again in a shame cycle?
In my arrogance and pride, I refused to see what God was saying. I even tried participating in online support groups, but these experiences, too, were cold–devoid of heart for me. My heart was rock solid—frozen…HARD. I wanted God to snap me out of it, but He was calling me to live according to the truth that He had already revealed to me. He had done so much for me…and yet I continued to insist that He do more. I was not yet willing to make the hard choices.
I don’t think I could write what I’ve been going through for the past couple of months any better than this:
…hiding out at home and not getting out to see people as often…
…I wanted God to snap me out of it…I continued to insist that He do more…
Yes, welcome to Lundie’s life. **sigh**
The good news is – God can take me exactly where I am, exactly as I am and make some good. He just needs my cooperation…my permission…my willingness.
At first glance, my favorite Christmas gift is my new webcam from my husband. With it I am now able to have great online conversations with my mom and dad, whom I miss an awful lot! And I’m able to give them the “J5 fixes” they need. 😉
The late bloomer gift is my new “The Message” New Testament with Psalms and Proverbs, by Eugene H. Peterson. I’m just reading it from front to back. I doubt I’ll use it as a study Bible, but then that was not what it was written for. I’m only in as far as Matthew 14, but I am really enjoying it! I don’t struggle to keep my mind focused – of course I still struggle to have a few uninterrupted moments to sit and read, but that has less to do with the book than it does with a certain 2-year-old…
In talking with Beth last night, I realized that my life needs “exercise and church”. I am going to try to find a way to get connected with one of the churches around here. Most likely, I’ll try to go to CCC. I want to get into another small group and they have morning women’s groups with child care. As for the exercise, I dug out my pedometer (I was allowing it to dry out after a trip through the washing machine). I don’t know yet what I want to do, but mostly I want to get my step count up out of the triple digits…
Sadly, I will be in church tomorrow for the funeral of my Great-Aunt Millie (My Grandma Forman’s sister). She was killed in a car accident on Christmas Eve. She was a super sweet lady. I will be happy to see all the family again. It seems that’s what brings us all together lately. The last time I saw this whole group was at my Grandma Forman’s funeral. It’s that generation shift. Family gatherings don’t seem as big as they used to, but maybe that’s just because I’m one of the grown-ups now.
Well, I’d best be going. My 15 minutes of rest are about up and I need to get back to the “Today” list that keeps growing.
I don’t know what took me so long, but I finally got out my Christmas CDs. I played one song and it was like the switch was flipped. It’s one that took me a while to find. It’s David Foster’s Instrumental, Carol of the Bells. I turned it on this afternoon and played about 4 times in a row, each time dancing more and more. J5 thought I was crazy at first, but by the end he was spinning in circles with me.
The first time I heard/saw it was on our honeymoon at WDW (the mouse place). A beautifully lit arched walkway in Epc*t was orchestrated to it. John and I went again in 2003 and I caught most of the show on video. I get goosebumps every time I watch it.
As of late, I find it hard to not be dismayed (disconcerted and at a loss as to how to deal with something). Depression can be like that, I guess. My soul hurts. I just don’t get it. For a couple days there, I thought I was getting it. I felt connected with God. I was connecting with some IRL friends. I was getting exercise. I was getting J5 out of the house to “socialize” (btw, can I tell you just how much I HATE that word – thrown at you from the sidelines like you’re an inadequate mother if you’re not dumping your child off at a day care for someone else to raise along with a horde of other children! …but I digress…).
I was doing what I thought was the “right” thing. And I landed flat on my face. Exhausted. J5 sick. Me in a deeper funk than ever before. Looking at the upcoming holiday celebrations with a combination of lethargy and dread. Getting increasingly angry with people that are passing on a less-than-Christ-like spirit when talking about Christmas. I honestly will be so happy when this season is over so people can get back to their regular lives and stop getting themselves all worked up over imagined religious slights. Why is it that people would rather get all worked up about terminology used to express a polite and loving greeting than spend their energy loving Christ and loving the people around them?
Honestly, what worldly good will be accomplished by trying to work up our fellow “Christians” into a fevered frenzy? Do we honestly believe our rights to be loving and Christlike in our celebration of his arrival on this planet are being trampled? Has someone come to our homes and trashed the nativity scenes on our front lawns or in our living rooms? Did someone ream us out when we quietly and genuinely wished them a Merry Christmas? (If so, did we mean it when we said it? Or were we trying to preach a hostile sermon in the way we said it – “Merry Christmas”?)
But back to the original meaning of the title of this post – dismayed. As I was trying desperately to claw my way out of this funk, I grabbed my Bible this morning and laid my head down on it and begged my Father to give me something meaningful to cling to. This was the verse that I read:
Because the Sovereign Lord helps me, I will not be dismayed. Therefore I have set my face like a stone, determined to do his will. And I know that I will triumph. Isaiah 50:7
I am going to be spending some time meditating on each of the several powerful thoughts in this verse. I so intensely wish this was true for me.
Up one to 208. As much as I would love to blame the gain on cyclical bloating (which is true), I know that I have not been eating as I intended. I’m fighting some seasonal blues and my self-comfort has been in the candy and hot cocoa that fills this season.
And, as much as I was sorely tempted to just remove myself from the challenge and stop posting about it, here I am.
Thank you to all the really nice people who stopped by to encourage me in this challenge!
One of the things that I am doing as part Thin Within is practicing what they call “Observation and Correction”. I have written about this before. I have read it many times. I have tried to think the way I *should* about things. Mostly, it didn’t work for me much in the past.
I think part of the reason for this is that my observations were hasty “yeah, yeah, yeah, I know I’m totally wrong and bad and I *promise* I will do better next time” sort of observations. Defensive, guilty, embarrassed, humiliated, wanting to move on kind of observations.
This time I want to try to do some detached, practical, “let’s see what we can do different” kind of observations.
Over the past two or three days, I can see that several of my overeating behaviors are directly tied to work, and to TV. It seems that if I am going to do either of these things, I feed the overwhelming urge to eat. And even more recently, I have started watching TV episodes on my second monitor while I work…which is a double whammy!!
Now, I could try to just say, “I’m going to go cold turkey” and not watch TV, and not work (LOL!) but that doesn’t seem to be the right thought. I can’t just stop doing things that put me in eating moods or I would never visit my relatives again either!! So, correction. What needs to be corrected? Are there any plans or approaches that can rewire my brain when it comes to food and stressful or recreational situations?