- 367. A/C on a muggy 82 degree day
- 368. The happy chirping of my son in the morning as he tests out his voice
- 369. The gift of friends who speak honestly with me and tell me the truth about God’s love for me – even when I don’t know how to accept it
- 370. My wonderful hard-working husband. I am truly blessed.
Yeah, this is where I am…
14 So the trouble is not with the law, for it is spiritual and good. The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin. 15 I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. 16 But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. 17 So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.
18 And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. 19 I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. 20 But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.
21 I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. 22 I love God’s law with all my heart. 23 But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. 24 Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? 25 Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.
No, I’m not talking about the marital kind of engagement. I’m talking about the mental kind. One of the things I know about myself is that when I am facing stress, especially common stress, and it builds up to the point where I am about to be squished, I disengage. I detach. I hate extreme emotions. They scare me. Funny, even “hate” seems like an extreme emotion, but that’s how I feel about having intense feelings.
I would rather eat until I am numb than feel something that disturbs me. I am afraid I will take action on the feelings. Feelings aren’t real. Emotions are just a disturbance. They happen outside of my happy little world of control. I feel ashamed when I lose control of my emotions and take actions based on them rather than on logic or plan.
So, I do everything in my power to disengage from my feelings. If I can somehow disable them, then I can’t be controlled by them, right?
Funny, I didn’t start out here trying to talk about emotional engagement, but I guess it’s all related. When I am in a funk, and don’t know what to do, I disengage from interaction with any groups that are related to weight loss. I am involved in a couple of Thin Within online groups. I have a few friends who are very involved and give me a lot of encouragement. But when I’m “failing”, when I am not doing what I “should”, I disengage. Which starts the downward spiral into deeper depression.
I’m blogging about this today in response to a friend who has the courage today to blog her “backslide“, and her real state of affairs. I want to be honest. Doing so to the “internets” seems about as “out there” as it can get. I guess seeing how things really are is a first step, yes?
So, I’m attempting to “engage”. I am reaching out for accountability. That’s why I started the May Day Challenge – in an attempt to force my own hand and get me back out there – living – instead of hiding and eating and disengaging.
Gotta run, J5 has a play group in less than half an hour and I have yet to get dressed. Time to “Engage the Day”.
The way I have been feeling lately, I think I’ve discovered that there’s land UNDER the Pit and I’ve scraped bottom there.
It’s dark and cold and I just want to give up and sleep. Depression. Anxiety. Fear. There HAS to be a way out.