Sometimes I can just sense it coming. I get little whispers that tell me that I am being complacent. That I’m starting to slip.
I have recently decided that I would try a different eating plan that goes with the online Bible study (The Lord’s Table) that I am doing. You see, they offer two different eating plans. One is a routine of types of eating (normal day, 1/2 portion day, liquids only day, fasting day) and the other is about only eating when your stomach growls.
I have clung to the “stomach growling” version of the eating plan because it had worked for me in the past when I was participating in the Weigh Down Workshop (prior to all the craziness…but that’s another story…). Plus, I seriously did NOT want to think about fasting. It would put me into a panic.
But this week I changed my mind. I realized that I was not truly committing myself to the method of eating that I had chosen and was living that insanity of expecting change without actually taking any steps of action.
So, long story short, I fasted on Tuesday. It was a wonderful and difficult day. It felt like God and I had a secret. I was determined not to let anyone know what I was doing (mostly because that’s a directive in scripture) so I spend the day doing a whole lot of praying. It’s amazing how much mental energy you have when you don’t let yourself eat habitually!
So, today was back to “normal”. It was almost a let-down. But now I have this strange feeling that I am opening myself up to wonderful things — increased interaction with God – but I am also afraid that I am opening myself up to additional struggles and temptations.
And this is what I have chosen:
O [my] God, won’t you stop them? [I am] powerless against this mighty army that is about to attack [me]. [I] do not know what to do, but [I am] looking to you for help. 2 Chronicles 20:12
You see, I want to be the one to do it. I want to have the control. I want to be the one who wins. I want to be competent and useful and in charge. But I’m not God. And until I truly get that, and look to Him for help, I’m not going to be able to see that I truly am powerless against not only my own flesh, but “against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places” (Ephesians 6:12).
Father, my eyes are on You. Forgive me for trying to take power that is not mine. Keep me humble. Keep me serving. Fill my heart with love for not only my loved ones but also for the unlovable. Forgive my presumption to plan my life out with the idea that I am in control. Show me the value and blessings that each and every day bring. Help me not to lose sight of individual moments. Thank you, from the very bottom of my heart, for keeping after me, for pursing me, for not letting this lost sheep be astray for too long. Amen