Free

freeI just spent several minutes free association writing. I take my glasses off during the process so I don’t get hindered by typos. I wrote and wrote, working through some tangled thoughts in my mind. I didn’t realize that my touch pad had reactivated and as I finished writing, I put my glasses on to see my word count. Somehow, at the very end of this rather extensive writing period, my palms had caused my touch pad to select all my text and I was left with the last two words I typed:

I’m free.

Posted in Truth by Lundie Pinner

What are you devoted to?

devotion

Devotion is the motion for a world that makes sense.
- Jennifer Louden

So, what am I devoted to?

At first thought, I would say I am devoted to my family. I will probably spend some time ruminating on that today, though, before I land on that for certain.

Devotion DFN -love, loyalty, or enthusiasm for a person, activity, or cause. “Eleanor’s devotion to her husband”; a feeling of strong love or loyalty : the quality of being devoted. : the use of time, money, energy, etc., for a particular purpose
synonyms: loyalty, faithfulness, fidelity, constancy, commitment, adherence, allegiance, dedication;

No, I guess I really don’t need that much time. If I strip away everything else, I keep coming back to my family and home. A significant amount of my time, brain space, and energy is spent towards caring for my husband and son. They’re the first thing I look to when re-centering my priorities.

Second to that is probably my own development. Pushing through and processing to ensure that my own mental, emotional, spiritual, and hopefully soon, physical, health will allow me to be of more help to my family.

In general, what I want most in life to do is…help. I want to be a help. Assisting and care-taking come very naturally to me. However, I am learning that I need to rein some of that in and apply it to myself for a while. If I don’t, I quickly become a martyr and that helps absolutely no one.

The more I attend to my own basic needs, the more I realize that my unhealthy care-taking was a misplaced attempt at earning the right to take care of myself. If I just could get “done” with the chores of helping others, then I would earn the perk or bonus of time for myself. That’s one of those (faulty?) interpretations of the J.O.Y. acrostic I was taught in Sabbath School – Jesus/Others/You is the intended order of priority for my devotion or attention. Just so messed up.

There’s a real downside when you believe in your heart that you’re supposed to serve and love others more than yourself (as better than yourself). The chronic devaluation of a person can never have healthy side effects. Sacrificing your mental and emotional health as the going price for God’s approval and in exchange for eternal safety, well, those days are over.

I can’t honestly say whether I believe in the idea that God’s Spirit is within me, but if it is, that’s how I’m going to be listening to him/it/whatever. I’m going to be listening to my own heart, and doing what I believe to be in my (and my family’s) best interest. I’m ready to stop second guessing myself at every turn.

So what is my devotion? To make this world a better place for my family to live in.

The Blog Has Landed

we-are-here

Well, after a somewhat harrowing weekend of moving my blog from one host to another, I believe the transition was successful.

I’m once again contemplating a FB fast. Of course I probably should wait until AFTER the 25-year high school reunion (egads! really?!? 25 years?!?) at the end of this month. We’ll see. I’m once again exhausted by the slurry floating by on my wall and my brutal need to continue to scan for the redeeming bits of actual personal connection. It seems to get harder, rather than easier, as time goes by.

I think I’m going to have to search for a good blog (RSS) feed reader again. Ever since Google killed Reader, I’ve been sort of floundering from tool to tool and I know that I’ve been missing actual quality writing from people I really DO want to hear from. If any of you have a suggestion, PLEASE leave a comment!

On the religious vs. spiritual front, I’m still doing a lot of demolition and sifting. Feels good to breathe fresh air, and I’m enjoying the scenery. Other than that, I have nothing to declare.

Currently Reading:
Notes from (Over) the Edge: Unmasking the Truth to End Your Suffering
by Jim Palmer

A Time of Transition

If you are seeing this post, you have been successfully directed to the future location of my blog.  The rest of the blog has yet to make its appearance, so please bear with me.  If I can, I’ll try to find an annoying “under construction” animated gif from the ’90s to make it complete!

Lundie

Metamorphosis

Questions
Times are changing. Thoughts are changing. Perceptions. Yep. Them too. There’s a stirring going on and I’ve avoided writing because I don’t have any answers. Just many, many questions. But I read a blog yesterday of a person who wrote anyway. If we hide the questioning, aren’t we putting out the idea that we have all the answers?

Why do we need to have all the answers? Why was I trained to never be caught without an answer (and a backup text to prove it). Where did the idea that we have to have all the answers come from? Where did the wonder go?

I don’t have answers. I have personal experience. I have some book learnin’. But mostly I have questions. And they’re not questions that I want answered by someone who “has all the answers”.

I’m scared and excited to allow the “what if…?” bounce around my skull for a while. Time to be ok with some soft answers like “I think…” and “Maybe…” and “It seems like…”.

Does God exist? Do I have any idea what I even mean by the term “God”? How does my soul connect with God? Is my True Self a part of God? Lots of good questions, but I’m not in aggressive pursuit of answers right now, just wandering pursuit.

I’m a little tired of seeking out and arguing over absolutes. I don’t think the world works that way. I don’t think I’m wired to work that way. But that’s ok. I’m going to keep watching, listening, and learning. And if I get it wrong? I’ll change my mind. :)

Internal Battle of the Conformist

ambivalence-conflicted

I recently took a personality test for work and the results really didn’t surprise me: Lower scores in Dominance and Extroversion, higher scores in Patience and Conformity.

Conformity can be a strength in areas like Accounting where close attention to detail, and adherence to rules, are what keep things working smoothly. Where this can be a challenge, however, is when roles and responsibilities are less constrained by defined rules, and are subject to my own thoughts and opinions.

What do you do when your gut instinct and your natural tendency to conform, clash? Which part of you do you listen to? How do you move forward when there’s no clear “right way”?